Facebook Compares

The Facebook “Compare People” application is not suitable for people with serious self esteem issues. Like me. It does strange things to the minds of the self-obsessed. You’re reading this on my blog, for ghod sake.

For those people unfamiliar with the concept, you’re presented with a random pair of your Facebook friends, and asked to choose who “Would you rather kiss?” or who “has a better laugh?”

If you complete enough questions, you’re then taken to your own results page – where you can see where you score relative to your friends, based on the percentage of wins and losses. It’s heaven for the paranoid, narcissistic children of web 2.0…

People without broadband – those in country areas – just listen to Kasey Chambers sing “Am I not pretty enough…?”

My own rankings are full of contradictions, fallacies, stating the fucking obvious (Nobody thinks I can drink more!), how-I-wish-that-were-true statements and meaningless trivialities. How the hell is someone that I haven’t seen in real life for 15 years going to know how punctual I am?

Apparently I am almost as cool as I am hot. No wonder my bones ache.

Nobody wants to be trapped on a desert island with me, but most people are willing to risk travelling with me anyway.

I’m a better listener than everyone else, but there are 45 people that are better friends than me. Odd, given that everyone asked thinks I’m more generous or more likely to do them a favour.

Everyone asked would rather date me, but not everyone would rather sleep with me. Just what the hell are we dating for? Oh, the listening thing. Or my pretty eyes.

You’d all rather marry me, but you have serious doubts about my ability as a father. And I’m neither loyal nor reliable.

Everyone would rather hang out with me for a day, but nobody thinks I’m outgoing. You just want to come to my house then? Does this have anything to do with you all wanting to be stuck in handcuffs with me?

Perhaps I shouldn’t complain so much about it. Maybe it’s rude and gutless to mock people for their Facebook survey choices. Well, I came stone-cold last in bravery and good manners, so fuck off.

Prolonged Absences

This is probably the longest I’ve gone without posting since I began blogging here a year ago.

There’s been a variety of reasons – new job, (not)relationship, tragedy, illness, travel, writing elsewhere, Twitter (though I’ve not been Tweeting much either in recent weeks) and general apathy.

But the biggest reason is that I have no idea what I want to say. I gave myself a year to figure out what I wanted this blog to be about. During that time I was going to write everything. While I didn’t go quite that far, I did write about a fair range of “me” with varying success.

One day I wrote something politically motivated, the next I was bitching about my illness or latest relationship debacle. All of this is intensely interesting to me, as is writing about it now. All of this is part of me, but that’s far less interesting for anyone else.

It turns out it’s a blog about nothing. And I fucking hated Seinfeld.

The solution is, for now, some self-censorship. I’ll probably write less, but write less crap. There is a seed of an idea for a new “single-subject” blog, but it’s still in gestation.

I’ll be here for a little while yet. Next: Twitter and the Hagakure. Fascinating. To me anyway.

ITax

We went to the Hoyts IMax Cinema in Cannington to watch the Watchmen last week. It was my second viewing and the rest of the crew were a mix of seasoned Watchmen veterans, and tentative – cynical even – Watchmen noobs.

The movie itself has been described better elsewhere. I think it was brilliant, but whomever collated the heavily clichéd soundtrack really missed a couple of golden opportunities. “Life on Mars” during the flyover of said planet, and “End Of The World As We Know It” during the end sequence or credits would round it off nicely.

But the IMax Cinema… Quite the misnomer, that. I’ve been to IMax cinemas in other cities, and they are an impressive, immersive experience.

The Perth one however, was not an IMax. This was – at best – an ILittleBitBigger. The experience it offered could be very easily reproduced just by sitting three rows closer to the screen than you normally do in a regular cinema.

For twice the price, I was expecting, yes, more. Alarm bells rang when the cashier quite desperately informed us that, “There’s no refunds”. Clearly I’m not the first to register my dissatisfaction.

An IMax cinema is supposed to give you that feeling of scale. You’re supposed to not feel safe in there because the screen is so massive, and you’re up so high, that instinct screams out for an abseiling harness or safety net. The feeling of insecurity is not supposed to be triggered by a financial fleecing.

You’re supposed to feel dwarfed, insignificant, miniscule in the face of such magnificence. Like standing at foot of Uluru at sunset, or comparing your own idiocy to that of a Manly rugby player. The wall of sound is supposed to be murder (© Phil Spector). You take someone who is dubious about their likely enjoyment of the film to an Imax so that there’s every chance they’ll either be overwhelmed by the experience, or their otherwise vociferous complaints will be inaudible.

Experiences like this make it so hard to understand why so many people would rather download, really.

As it was, the highlight of the evening ended up being a drag race with a fastidiously permed man in a red Corvette convertible. We won. In my divvy van. Tosser.

Oh how we laughed.

Gamers Anonymous

I’ve never had a really serious game addiction. I’ve certainly dabbled. There’s been some games that I have been completely ensorceled by, and have spent solid days of my life utterly transfixed.

The first was an LCD handheld game where you caught coins then played a poker machine. My parents kept taking it off me, I kept sneaking into their room to take it back.

My first NES had me shooting up Duck Hunt, and chasing the Double Dragon 2, which was also the method my brother and I used to resolve punch ups.

My Playstation brought with it Kula World. Best. Game. Ever.

I still dabble occasionally. I would play for days at a time.

Then came the PS2, Tekken and Gran Turismo. My brother and I would work shifts on GT, completing levels, acquiring new and faster cars. We’d swap spots at the end of a work day, there’d be junk food, a briefing for the incoming player, and the player that just completed his 20 hour stint would shuffle off to bed, dreaming of the perfect exit to that corner on the really long track that meant you’d be going 55km/h faster at the end of the straight.

If GT was an example of geek co-operation, Tekken was war. Bitter, savage, cruel war. My brother is a naturally gifted freak at games. I could do OK at racing and puzzle games, but everything else would be an exercise in demonstrating my inadequacy. He’d unleash a maniacal laugh as I threw my controller away in disgust – obviously he had the good one, and mine clearly wasn’t working properly.

It’s been a long time since I have been hooked, though I’ve had many dalliances.

Sabian and I were having a chat about this on Watchmen night – I hope he tells his gaming problem story on his blog soon [EDIT: he has - in an alarmingly rapid response... and it's brilliant] – I’ve never needed Gamers anonymous.

The very existence of it intrigues me.

For example;

• Are the twelve steps something like: ↑, ↑, →, ←, □, ○, x, L1, R2, ↑+□, R2+x, ↓ …?
• Do they introduce themselves using their handle/avatar, “I’m Draganslya44 and I’m a game addict”?
• If you get caught using a cheat, do you finish the program really quickly, but not get a button?
• Do they need to stay away from pretty much any electronic device because that would be an enabler?
• If they fall off the wagon three times is it game over?
• Does the program you can get from Bali actually work just as well, so long as you’ve been modded?

SO many more questions…

If you have a gaming problem, and have been supported through it, I’d really like to know these things. Comments. Go.

Square Root Day

Yes, it’s true – today is Square Root Day.

Dust off the slide rules and recharge the calculators. Square Root Day is upon us.

The math-buffs’ holiday, which only occurs nine times each century, falls on Tuesday — 3/3/09 (for the mathematically challenged, three is the square root of nine).

“These days are like calendar comets, you wait and wait and wait for them, then they brighten up your day — and poof — they’re gone,” said Ron Gordon, a Redwood City teacher who started a contest meant to get people excited about the event.

The winner gets, of course, $339 for having the biggest Square Root Day event.

Gordon’s daughter even set up a Facebook page — one of a half-dozen or so dedicated to the holiday — and hundreds of people had signed up with plans to celebrate in some way.

Celebrations are as varied: Some cut root vegetables into squares, others make food in the shape of a square root symbol.

The last such day was five years ago, Feb. 2, 2004, which coincided with Groundhog Day. The next is seven years away, on April 4, 2016.

From SFGate

I have an alternative, very Australian suggestion. To an Australian, a root is… well, not a vegetable. And I am old enough to remember what a square is. I’m not quite old enough to remember that it’s hip to be square, but I hear it’s true again.

A square was a geek, back when you didn’t realise how much better geeks made your lives. So, what better way to celebrate square root day than to root a square. Everyone has a favourite geek – that guy that always knows where to buy a good computer despite your willingness to waste several hundred dollars at a department store, or that girl who never runs out of patience at your insistence to demonstrate your ineptitude with software, and fixes things up for you.

Square root day – make sweet passionate love to a geek.

But hurry up would you, the day’s almost gone, and there won’t be another until 2016.

No, really. Hurry. Geeks have less sex than everyone else. They need you. And you need us them us.