The Facebook “Compare People” application is not suitable for people with serious self esteem issues. Like me. It does strange things to the minds of the self-obsessed. You’re reading this on my blog, for ghod sake.
For those people unfamiliar with the concept, you’re presented with a random pair of your Facebook friends, and asked to choose who “Would you rather kiss?” or who “has a better laugh?”
If you complete enough questions, you’re then taken to your own results page – where you can see where you score relative to your friends, based on the percentage of wins and losses. It’s heaven for the paranoid, narcissistic children of web 2.0…
People without broadband – those in country areas – just listen to Kasey Chambers sing “Am I not pretty enough…?”
My own rankings are full of contradictions, fallacies, stating the fucking obvious (Nobody thinks I can drink more!), how-I-wish-that-were-true statements and meaningless trivialities. How the hell is someone that I haven’t seen in real life for 15 years going to know how punctual I am?
Apparently I am almost as cool as I am hot. No wonder my bones ache.
Nobody wants to be trapped on a desert island with me, but most people are willing to risk travelling with me anyway.
I’m a better listener than everyone else, but there are 45 people that are better friends than me. Odd, given that everyone asked thinks I’m more generous or more likely to do them a favour.
Everyone asked would rather date me, but not everyone would rather sleep with me. Just what the hell are we dating for? Oh, the listening thing. Or my pretty eyes.
You’d all rather marry me, but you have serious doubts about my ability as a father. And I’m neither loyal nor reliable.
Everyone would rather hang out with me for a day, but nobody thinks I’m outgoing. You just want to come to my house then? Does this have anything to do with you all wanting to be stuck in handcuffs with me?
Perhaps I shouldn’t complain so much about it. Maybe it’s rude and gutless to mock people for their Facebook survey choices. Well, I came stone-cold last in bravery and good manners, so fuck off.
